Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
