Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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