I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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