is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
