Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
as a side note pls kill me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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