I think im going to throw up on grandma
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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