i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
