and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
