I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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