Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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