Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
