need another drink. this is the easiest way
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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