A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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