I just made out with a guy for $7.
You work out of a Hotel?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
