you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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