She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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