Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
