So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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