I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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