If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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