now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
