I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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