So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
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