I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
