It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
