Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
