I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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