farters have to be the big spoon...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
