Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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