he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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