She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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