New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
