she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
