So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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