I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
