we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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