He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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