i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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