put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
