How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
