i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
