awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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