Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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