i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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