her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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