is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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