Having a random hookup so left but love u
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
