Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
