He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
