I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You took a bar mat shot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
