my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
