It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
