my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
